Norma sat in my office and spouted off a list of her husband’s faults. He was loud, overweight, weak, selfish, rigid…and the list went on and on and on. I asked her how long she had been thinking about these things. She said almost from the beginning of their marriage. He had shown his true colors within a week of their beautiful wedding. Bingo! She had been brooding on this poor man’s faults for 25 years and now she hated him. Of course! No wonder they were on the brink of divorce! If we brood on our partner’s faults daily, we’ll hate them too. Think about this for a minute with me. If I’m spending my days meditating on how sloppy my Honey dresses; how rude he was to the cashier at the restaurant last week; how he comes home late and doesn’t even call; how he makes a racket in the kitchen while I’m trying to sleep and on and on. How am I going to feel? I can already feel the tension rising in me just talking about these things and they aren’t true about him! Can you imagine if I am brooding for years on this and MORE?! Spouses do.
So what’s the secret? Paul makes it plain in Philippians 4:8, “…Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.” People who stay in love learn to assume the best in their spouse. They make lists of their good qualities and focus on these, especially when there are disagreements, so that their communication reflects the way they view their spouse. If your marriage is at a stage where you can’t think of anything good, ask Jesus to give you some ideas. He’s good at seeing the good in us. I remember hearing in a couples group years ago that we should always believe that our spouse has goodwill towards us. Always. So when he tells you that your dress is crushed up and might need to be ironed, try not to take it like he’s trying to deliberately hurt your feelings and bring you down. Ask Jesus to help you see that he may just be looking out for you and wanting you to look your best. Believe the good.
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