I met with a male client this week who spoke of feeling indifferent towards his wife. He stated that he did not like her very much, that they had a “horrible marriage,” and that he was staying because of the children. I hear this kind of thing a lot, but my heart still breaks every time, because I know that God has so much more planned for Christian couples. As Christ followers, we should have the best marriages. Our God invented marriage! Our God is love! Yet many of us live in daily defeat and unhappiness. So how can we, in small ways begin to cultivate warmer thoughts towards our partner? Here are a few simple ideas.
1. Reflect on the Earlier Days. What drew you to your spouse? Was he kind and always put you first? Was she affectionate and funny? What were your happier moments like? Can you remember your first date? The birth of your first child? Reflect on the happy moments in your history together. It may be hard at first, but keep trying. Write them down so that you can look them over again and again, and realize that even though you may be going through a bad spell right now, it was not always this way. And it can get better again!
2. List Your Spouse’s Positive Attributes. This step may not be easy right now if you are not feeling so warm and fuzzy towards them, but stretch yourself. The more you focus on the good in your spouse, meditating on the pure, the lovely and the virtuous (Philippians 4:8), the more you will have kinder feelings for them. Again, make a list and reflect on these daily.
3. Do More Loving Actions and the Feelings May Follow. Love is a verb. Try showing your spouse loving actions – more hugs, kisses, cuddling. Affirm them more in public and in private. You may actually get a positive response in return when you do this, but don’t do it for that reason. Do it out of a sincere heart. Often when we act “as if,” the feelings follow. Try it for a week! That loving feeling may return! What do you have to lose?
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